Autism spectrum, feelings and (against all odds) a Witcher quote
"""
[…] Because you're a witcher and you can't feel any emotion. You don't want to fulfill my request, because you think that you care about her, you think that… Geralt, you are with her only because she wants that, and you'll be with her for as long as she wants to. What you're feeling is a projection of her emotion, her interest in you. To all demons of the Pit, Geralt, you're not a child, you know who you are. You're a mutant. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying this to offend or disdain you. I'm just stating a fact. You're a mutant, and one of the basic features of your mutation is your full immunity to emotion. You've been made like this so that you could do your job. Do you understand? You can't feel anything. What you're taking as emotion is actually cell memory, somatic memory, if you know what that means.
"""
(Andrzej Sapkowski, Miecz przeznaczenia, Okruch lodu, Istredd's words, my own translation)
However the context is different, it made me think of my own problems with emotions.
Am I capable of love? Or perhaps I can merely project somebody else's feelings, return them at the best. Or perhaps just intellectually be aware of what I am supposed to feel.
Was perhaps that, what I used to take for "love", actually gratitude that somebody was nice to me, or that she showed interest?
Or perhaps was it that she fitted into an unrealistic model that I've engraved into my personality as a child?
Or just an attachment, a feeling of safety, stemming from a large data set. A conviction that unpleasant surprise is no longer that likely.
Or just desperation, a need that's been forced into me since I was a child and that now I'm trying to attain based on what the media, books and personal stories tell me about it.
Or even something resembling a Stockholm syndrome. "At least she's paying attention to me. I know the worst she could do to me."
#ActuallyAutistic
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