@hex@kolektiva.social2026-02-21 21:10:33
After the whole Adam Something "dating advice for leftist men" thing, I realized I should probably write something about that. I didn't, but I realized I should. Here I am sort of getting around to it.
I had a friend call me an "elder" at one point. I was like 35 at that time, but like... a lot of old leftists are just dead or in prison, so we take what we can get I guess. Being also an elder in the sense that I'm an elder millennial, who is also a parent and married for almost 10 years and all that, I guess I'm technically qualified.
So here it is, dating advice for (straight cis) leftist men:
1. Don't.
That's it, actually. That's the whole thing. Let me explain a bit.
First of all, this is dating advice for neuroatypical folks. We're way overrepresented in both extremes because this system wasn't built for us. And that's who is *the most* confused by all the relationship stuff, and most likely to try to apply all this masculinity/manosphere bullshit. I'm also talking a bit from experience here, as a neruo-spicy trying to "figure out" how to date within a paradigm entirely built around neurotypicals and their relationships. It's garbage. Throw it out. There's nothing worth saving.
His video had some line comparing not having sex to your house being on fire. I'm not gonna bother to quote it because I'm busy with actual life. But like, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I recognize that and it's horribly destructive. Men who buy in to patriarchy actually believe this, because those men value themselves based on (hetro) sex. Yeah, if you think you're worthless because you aren't "getting laid" then yeah, you're gonna feel like that's an emergency.
"Dating" as a paradigm turns humans into roles. It dehumanizes us all, and thus makes human connection much harder. It is a game that, like thermonuclear war, can only be won by not playing.
When you abandon "dating" and just act like a human, everything starts to be easier. There's no such thing as being "friend zoned" because you're just friends. Sometimes friendships become other things, sometimes they don't. It doesn't actually matter, because if you're actually there for friendship then you don't *need* anything else.
My grandma, at 98 I think, gave me some advice. My grandparents always got along well, and were married for enough decades that I listened really closely. She told me I should just do things I loved to do and everything else would work itself out.
And it kind of did.
I understand the fear, the idea that you'll die alone. I get that. I get the loneliness. It all hits a lot harder when you have ADHD emotions and past trauma. I get that. But that fear is self-manifesting. When you build your confidence, when you don't *need* to be "in a relationship," you have more room to actually build relationships. For me, dating was dehumanizing. When I abandoned that, I was able to actually be a good partner, and I was able to find my partner.
I would advise against marriage as well, but we did get married for legal reasons. It can still be hard to maintain that, to see each other as people rather than roles. That becomes extra hard as parents. But the times that we cut through that are the times we're closest. Those are the times when it becomes easier to remember that we're both humans and all human relationships need tending.
Roles don't need to be tended because they are classifications. Classifications are static. But relationships between humans are not. Humans are messy and chaotic. Humans have all kinds of complex needs and desires.
So yeah, don't date. Just be a human and see what happens. Maybe google "relationship anarchy" and see where it takes you.
If you have ADHD, it can be especially useful to understand that relationships with neurotypical folks can be especially difficult. Assume you're incompatible with 90% of the population as your baseline, and you'll start to understand why the standard "dating" thing has made you feel so alienated and miserable.
Neurotypical folks generally have no idea that atypicality exists, much less how it impacts relationships. Having to conform to a neurotypical relationship just adds additional mental strain unless you find someone (really special) who can do at least some of the work.
The ADHD thing was especially important for me. There were so many things I was told to do in specific ways by neurotypicals that never worked for me. Their advice always made me feel like a failure. When I was finally diagnosed, I realized they were just giving advice for the wrong type of brain. It was advice I could never use. Basically all dating advice I ever got fell into this same category.
That's my braindump. Maybe I'll develop it more in the future, but I'm busy so maybe not. I hope it helps someone who is struggling like I was.
@tante@tldr.nettime.org2026-03-21 17:40:05
"The same industry that once called you family is now using the fruits of your labor to commit war crimes. [...]
The industry has decided what it wants to be."
(Original title: How to do the work)
https://buttondown.com/monteiro/archive/how-to-do-the-work/…
@aral@mastodon.ar.al2026-03-21 12:05:22
I walked into this nice house yesterday, marched the family living there out at gunpoint, murdered all the neighbours, and took the whole block for myself.
Calm down, calm down, my name’s Israel.
Ah, right, no worries, you don’t have to apologise. I can see why you were confused and thought you might have had to get angry at me before you realised who I was. It was a silly mistake, think nothing of it. We both know you’d never criticise anything I do… you’re not antisemitic.
@mia@hcommons.social2026-02-20 08:46:53
I Verified My LinkedIn Identity. Here's What I Actually Handed Over: 'I handed a US company my passport, my face, and the mathematical geometry of my skull. They cross-referenced me against credit agencies and government databases. They’ll use my documents to train their AI. And if the US government comes knocking, they’ll hand it all over — even if it’s stored in Europe, even if I’m European, and possibly without ever telling me.
...know what you’re trading.'
@carloshr@lile.cl2025-12-22 00:20:07
El resumen de mi #SpotifyWrapped. Este año diversifiqué mucho mšs mls fuentes de escucha, así que esto es solo una visión parcial. Cuando tenga tiempo voy a comparar con last.fm o maloja.
#Spotify #Musica
@detondev@social.linux.pizza2026-03-21 03:47:39
Learning how to psyop Third World populations with Manual of The Mercenary Soldier
https://archive.org/details/PaulBalorManualOfTheMercenarySoldier
@rasterweb@mastodon.social2026-01-20 22:30:28
“Clawdbot can execute Terminal commands, write scripts on the fly and execute them…”
I don’t even trust myself to do those things before 9am most days!
I just do not think I can be convinced I need a “digital assistant” in my life or on my computers (with elevated permissions, no less). https://mastodon…
@hex@kolektiva.social2026-02-21 22:08:39
One more thought...
One of the more toxic elements of the whole "manosphere" thing relative to dating is the application of game theory to relationships. They've got people trying to "maximize their dating potential" or whatever, trying to find the "most attractive march" (which is it's own fucked up thing I'm not even going to dig in to). But that whole mindset is basically going to always leave you miserable.
Oh, you're single? You need a partner. Oh you have a partner? Could you get a "better" one?
It turns relationships into the endless pointless grind of capitalism. Fuck that. None of that shit makes sense. No matter how "well" you do in that game, you always feel like a loser. Everyone does. Fuck that game. Quit.
The constant desire makes you miserable and your misery makes you unlikable. When you let go of it, you leave room to experience what is instead of constantly imagining what could be.
You will always be able to imagine a better "could be" than what is now. By comparing your situation now to that "could be" you will always see your situation as bad because it's worse than your yardstick.
Is your situation good for you? Is it serving you? It can be good and it can also be possible to make it better. When was the last time you just experience your life instead of trying to strategize your way into "something better."
Throw away the yardstick. Something something Buddha.
Edit: all this is of course aside from the whole objectification thing, which is it's own whole set of fucked up. But yeah... All that shit is real bad news.
@aral@mastodon.ar.al2026-01-20 11:49:44
Fuck, no, Apple. I was forced to update to iOS 26 due to lack of security updates for 18 on devices that can run 26 (i.e., due to extortion) but you’re not infecting my Mac with Liquid Ass.
Notice the dark pattern of pestering you in hopes you will accidentally hit the “Restart” button even though you’ve specifically turned off auto updates. Microsoft-level disrespect for consent here.
(Not surprising from a company that gives golden awards to fascists.)
@aral@mastodon.ar.al2026-01-20 11:06:22
“My friend, we are completely aligned on Syria. We can do great things in Iran. I don’t understand what you are doing in Greenland”
– Macron to Trump in private message
My friend, we should be fucking over Brown people together like we always do, I don’t understand why you are trying to fuck over white people.
